Mourning the loss of a church

Tonight I'm in mourning. RV met this evening with the pastor of our church, resigned from the church board and told him we won't be worshiping there anymore.

We've been there for 17 years. Started attending the week we got back from our honeymoon - so our entire married life, it's been all we've known. RV has been on the board for probably 14-15 years.

I worked there for 5 years before we had kids and loved every single minute of it. It truly is my passion to work in full-time Christian ministry, behind the scenes, using my administrative gifts, lifting the burden from the people out in front. I'd rather do that than almost anything else. Ok, if I could sing like Darlene Zschech, I might rather do that, but I can't. One day when the boys are grown & gone, I hope the Lord will bring about a similar opportunity to serve Him somewhere in an administrative role. That would be sweet.

But tonight, I'm sitting here crying over the loss, for so many reasons, on so many levels. We've been there almost half our lives. It's hard to start over. And yet, there's really nobody to say goodbye to. It's been a very lonely place for me - as you know if you've been reading my blog for any time. Any acquaintances (dozens of them) we've had there have all moved on to other churches. We haven't made any deep, lasting friendships there like we did in our old church (I loved those people so much - some of them are still 'family' 23 years later). Different stage of life? That's what some people say, but I don't buy it. I mean, I'm just as busy as the next mom with pre-adolescent kids, but I'm still willing to make time for adult friendships. When we're empty-nesters, I know I will cherish friendships made along the way. I want to look back with fond "remember then" memories through the years. I'm not so sure how I'll feel about people 10 years from now saying "ok, my kids are gone, I'm bored, now I finally have time for you." I hope I can be gracious. I'll probably feel like screaming "where were you when I was out there dying?" It reminds me of a story RV tells of when he was in his high school youth group. Melinda called him one day after she'd gone through all her other friends, and said "I'm bored, so I decided to give you a call." He laughed about it, but I often feel bottom-of-the-barrel-ish, myself. Hmmm, how'd we get here? Back to the story at hand:

I've probably been mourning our departure for about 5 years. Trying to hang on, but not fitting in anywhere. Watching people leave and figuring one day it would probably be us. I needed a place of service, but never found one. Many Sundays I stayed home in bed and cried for hours, as RV and the boys went to church by themselves. I hope it doesn't take 5 years to come through the other side of this loss. Grief cycles. Blech!

So, you'd think it'd be easy to leave. But you'd be wrong. I think I'll miss Ross C. most of all. I love that he's so real. We would often have dinner with him at Roy Rogers, before church board meetings. Then he and RV would go to their meeting and the boys and I would go home.

We're moving into some of the most important years of our boys' childhood. Where they will make their faith their own. Godly friendships are important during these years, when they will test their wings and fly. They soon won't be with us every waking moment. I know the next 5-10 years will go by as swiftly as the last. I pray that we are making the right move. For them and for me. I hope we can all find deep, lifelong friendships in our next church, that for whatever reason, were so elusive for almost the last 2 decades.

So, tonight I'm just sad for the things left behind that never will be.

And just before I was about to click "send", this song started playing on my iPod:

Glory to the King by Darlene Zschech/Hillsong

You're the comforter to the lonely
The lifter of my head (what'd she say? I start crying again)
I see You veiled in majesty
We cry glory, glory
We cry glory to the King

Lord, my heart cries out glory to the King
My greatest love in life, I hand You everything
Glory, glory I hear the angels sing
Open my ears, let me hear Your voice
To know that sweet sound, Oh my soul rejoice
Glory, glory I hear the angels sing

You're the Father to the fatherless
The answer to my dreams
I see you crowned in righteousness
We cry glory to the King
Comforter to the lonely
The lifter of my head
I see You veiled in majesty
We cry glory, glory we cry glory to the King